I Was So Mad

And hurt. And disappointed. And flabbergasted. And dismayed. And incredulous. And it didn't stop there. I felt flummoxed, confounded, perplexed, confused, and bewildered. And none of these are my usual states. But in two very separate recent circumstances with two completely different people who don't know each other, I wound up feeling betrayed and screwed over. Big time. Things happened that 20 years of history with one and 12 with the other could not have reasonably predicted - at all. In both cases the ramifications were tremendously negative for me, paralyzing even, as they prevented me from accomplishing things that I had already begun and needed to do for my work, my purpose! Or so I adamantly thought.

For the record, I have no doubt that a jury of my peers would find that in both cases, these others were completely in the wrong! A hundred percent, if for no other reason than in both cases, promises were broken. Big promises. So trust has been violated and we all know when that happens, relationships are in jeopardy. More on that later.

So what did the big Spiritual Workout guy do? (Veterans know that since I demand it of you in classes and workshops and, of course, private sessions, I sometimes offer my own stuff too and this is one of those times.) First, in all of this, was take responsibility. That means, as we know, that nobody has done anything to us. Me. (Even though they clearly did. Actively!) And it means that I am not a victim. In fact, I am responsible for everything in my experience. Everything. Further, when we cease to make judgments about the actions of others - even when they are wrong and did you catch that judgment there, wrong, and can you sense the challenge in so knowing that each of these people was so wrong but stopping myself from making them wrong, taking responsibility, being present (accepting) because, trust me, that challenge was THICK!? - then we won't have to forgive them for anything later. They're just who they are doing their things and whatever those things are, in my world, however it is that I am experiencing them, is me all me.

Which led me to the idea that we are here for a reason. That includes being in any present moment in which we may find ourselves. So the only question is, why? Why am I here? What is the reason? What fantastic opportunities for soul-level growth are presenting themselves to me for crying out loud?!? A fantastic thing about coming to this place is, you will notice, it takes the focus completely off of others who, like it or not, are simply not responsible for our experiences and it encourages us to stay in the zone of being responsible for our own selves.

I'll be honest with you. The full range of what was in all of this for me is more than I can or am willing to go into here. Suffice it to say that it boils down to three basic headlines. The first was that I had an opportunity to let go completely of beliefs I had about how I could accomplish things in my life. I believed, fully, in both cases, that I absolutely could not do what I needed to do without them giving me what they promised to give me. (One was a favor volunteered; the other was a paid-for service.) I was wrong and I got to see that up close and personally.

The second was that I got to experience letting go of control, the ultimate challenge of the spiritual warrior, when I didn't even think that I was controlling anything. I'm truly not a control freak kind of person, unless of course something is my responsibility. (Then watch out!) But relying on things that made sense for me to have and promises made by people who said they'd provide them didn't seem like control to me in any way whatsoever. But there it was. And I know for sure, at least with regard to the paid-for service, that I was spot on with this insight when instead of being pissed that what I'd contracted and partially paid for wasn't here yet, instead of presenting this friend and service provider with chapter and verse of all the ways in which not having what she'd promised was costing me, instead of letting any more of that negative energy invade my thoughts and feelings and mind and body, I simply let it go. I wrote a brief email saying that while I certainly needed what I had contracted for and remained astonished that it was two-and-a-half-months late, and counting, that what was most important was that it was done with good energy and good attitudes and that she should take as much time as she needed to complete it. And then I felt immediate relief. Listen to inspiration. That feeling of relief was all I needed to know that despite whatever was going on in the hell box of my mind, I had, from the perspective of my soul, done precisely the right thing. And all it took was giving up my idea of when something had to happen.

The third headline is part of a gigantic dynamic that we are all facing, though many of us are not aware of it and we are facing it in a variety of different ways. It's that as our consciousness rises, as our vibrations rise, because everything is energy, some people and things that have been in our lives simply no longer match our new energy. It's not right or wrong or good or bad or anything like that. It's just different. And, as indicated earlier, with trust broken, I'm looking at letting go of some relationships that have been, in varying degrees, relationships I have maintained for quite some time. These examples and a few others from my recent life, actually, each gave me the opportunity to engage in dynamics that I used to engage in except now, given whatever work I've been doing on myself, I'm not engaging with those folks the way I used to. I just can't. It no longer matches who I am. With this paid-for example, I did engage the old way until I realized, wait. That's not me. Not anymore. I won't judge her. I'll take the hit for whatever havoc I perceive is being created in my life. I'll be responsible for it and I don't have to have that relationship anymore. It doesn't work and this experience laid that bare.

Ultimately, I could not get to where I'm going in my life, not grow as I've intended, with what has turned out to be old baggage. None of us can and none of us will and this is not news. We are all doing what I'm talking about here. We are all having crazy stuff flung our ways - old, crazy, non-serving, automatic-pilot stuff shoot right up into our faces specifically so we can use all the tools we have learned to do things differently; specifically so we can say goodbye to old, non-serving ways of being; specifically so we can raise our individual and, thus, collective consciousness.